Two months ago, I agreed to stop fighting for my marriage. At the time, I thought I’d fall apart.

• When he first said he wanted a divorce,  I had a bit of a breakdown. It took a couple of days, but one morning I started to cry and couldn’t stop for the next five hours. I texted him to come home. I told him I didn’t think I could survive a divorce, that I wasn’t sure I’d live through it.

  He hung around and gave me time. Though I thought we were still working on the marriage, I believe he was already done back then, that the attempts at dating or just bridging the chasm between us were out of obligation and kindness. I am grateful for that.

  Even though I felt blindsided two months ago, I had already processed some level of loss, the fears about what would happen if the marriage was really over.

  Happily, most of the fears were just those awful demons that dance around in our heads. The sky is not falling. The sun still rises too early in the morning. And I get through many days with less than five minutes of tears, some days with none at all.

  No one could have gotten me to believe I would feel this okay  in to a new life I didn’t think I wanted. That’s not true. I thought often about wanting a life without Clay.

  But I’d get scared. Or I’d think about our vows and my parents divorce and how I swore I would never get one, and the big one our kids. The biggest thing though was that I kept asking myself if I loved him. And the answer was always yes.

  I still do love him. But I was asking the wrong question. I believe now that love is not enough, not even close.

  Clay and I fought so hard to stay together. We fought with each other, against other people. We compromised ourselves until neither of us had the life we wanted. Bud did I love him? Yep.

  And I grew up on romance novels, still am happily entertained by schlocky romantic comedies (okay, not right now, but I will be again). I was so invested in believing that love conquers all. One of my favorite scenes from Princess Bride is when Wesley and Princess Buttercup are reunited after tumbling down a steep and long hill.

  Wesley: “Can you move at all?”

  Princess Buttercup: “Move.  You’re alive.  If you want I can fly.”

  Wesley: “I told you I would always come for you.  Why didn’t you wait for me?”

  Princess Buttercup: “Well, you were dead.”

  Wesley: “Death can not stop true love.  All it can do is delay it for awhile.”

  Princess Buttercup: “I will never doubt again.”

  Man, did I buy that idea. I didn’t want to doubt Clay or our love. And how different could a farm boy and a princess be? If they could make it, with all that we had in common, of course we could.

  But I wasn’t considering all that we didn’t have in common and how hard we were having to fight to try to stay together. I always said over and over, “It shouldn’t be this hard.”

  I didn’t want it to be that hard either, but I thought that even if it was hard, as long as we loved each other, we should keep fighting. Does that sound as crazy to you as it does to me? Because it wasn’t just fighting for our relationship, it was fighting each other over who got what they wanted, who got let down, who felt guilty.

  So, months after Clay first said he still loved me but he didn’t want to be married to me anymore, I feel relief most days. Negotiating who we’re going to be to each other now and if we’ll actually be able to pull off a friendship is challenging. But most days, at least there’s not fighting. Or i would hope not…

  I had no idea how tired I was of fighting. No matter how much love there was, or how good our intentions, it just shouldn’t have been that hard.

  Where do you stand on the love conquers all/love is not question? How has it played out in your life?

Get up and get moving if your struggling, because Christ is faithful and he will give you the strength to get out of a temptation, a pit, or even a struggle. Do not stay where Christ isn’t working, because it will eventually suck the life out of you. Ask Christ for the strength to move on and I know he will give it to you in His timing. His timing is perfect, unlike our timing, and teaches us complete and total patience to wait on Him. Although you may not understand why Christ would allow you to go through a struggle or trial…understand that it is because He loves you so much that He wants you to be sifted. He wants to sift you to become more like Him and for His glory and His name! Being sifted is not, at all, easy, but it is evidence that God is at work in your life! It really is an answer to pray, sometimes even an un-noticed answer to pray! Keep praising Him in the storm and He will bring you through it!
God is faithful and He will do it! He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bare! Be still and know that He is God! The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still!

I have to believe that He sees my darkness
I have to believe that He knows my pain
I have to lift up my hands to worship
Worship His name
I have to declare that He is my refuge
I have to deny that I am alone
I have to lift up my eyes to the mountains
It’s where my help comes from
He said that He’s forever faithful
He said that He’s forever true
He said that He can move mountains
And if He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move Your mountain too
I have to stand tall when the wind blows me over
I have to stand strong when I’m weak and afraid
I have to grab hold, hold of the garments
Garments of praise
I have to sing praise when the hour is midnight
He unlocks the chains that bind up my soul
My sin and my shame, He has forgiven, and made me whole
I have to believe

-Rita Springer

His thoughts turned to those who had stolen his things and cheated
him.

He remembered family that had passed on. His mind turned to the illness
he had that no one could cure. His very soul was filled with anger, resentment and frustration.

Standing there this day, searching for answers he could not find, knowing all else had failed him, he knelt at the base of an old oak tree to seek the one he knew would always be there. And with tears in his eyes, he prayed:

“Lord- You have done wonderful things for me in this life. You have
told me to do many things for you, and I happily obeyed. Today, you
have told me to forgive. I am sad, Lord, because I cannot. I don’t
know how.

It is not fair Lord. I didn’t deserve these wrongs that were done
against me and I shouldn’t have to forgive. As perfect as your way is
Lord, this one thing I cannot do, for I don’t know how to forgive. My
anger is so deep Lord, I fear I may not hear you, but I pray that you
teach me to do this one thing I cannot do – Teach me To Forgive.”

As he knelt there in the quiet shade of that old oak tree, he felt
something fall onto his shoulder. He opened his eyes. Out of the
corner of one eye, he saw something red on his shirt.

He could not turn to see what it was because where the oak tree had
been
was a large square piece of wood in the ground. He raised his head
and
saw two feet held to the wood with a large spike through them.

He raised his head more, and tears came to his eyes as he saw Jesus
hanging on a cross. He saw spikes in His hands, a gash in His side, a
torn and battered body, deep thorns sunk into His head. Finally he
saw
the suffering and pain on His precious face. As their eyes met, the
man’s tears turned to sobbing, and Jesus began to speak.

“Have you ever told a lie?” He asked?
The man answered – “yes, Lord.”

“Have you ever been given too much change and kept it?”
The man answered – ” yes. Lord.” And the man sobbed more and more.

“Have you ever taken something from work that wasn’t yours?”
Jesus
asked?
And the man answered – “yes, Lord.”

“Have you ever sworn, using my Father’s name in vain? “
The man, crying now, answered – “yes, Lord.”

As Jesus asked many more times, “Have you ever”? The man’s crying
became uncontrollable, for he could only answer – “yes, Lord.”

Then Jesus turned His head from one side to the other, and the man
felt
something fall on his other shoulder. He looked and saw that it was
the
blood of Jesus. When he looked back up, his eyes met those of Jesus,
and
there was a look of love the man had never seen or known before.

Jesus said, “I didn’t deserve this either, but I forgive you.”

It may be hard to see how you’re going to get through something, but
when you look back in life, you realize how true this statement is.

If God brings you to it – He will bring you through it.

First thing today in Church, I was able to hear a riveting message from Ryan in the Jr. High service. I admire him because he’s so comfortable and down to earth when talking with the HUGE group of kids. But the lesson was on Peter stepping out of the boat and the fear that can negate faith. I pondered this for a while.

Then, as I was reading the scripture breifly, I came across the passage in 2Kings 23:
“1 Then the king called together all the elders of Judah and Jerusalem. 2 He went up to the temple of the LORD with the men of Judah, the people of Jerusalem, the priests and the prophets–all the people from the least to the greatest. He read in their hearing all the words of the Book of the Covenant, which had been found in the temple of the LORD. 3 The king stood by the pillar and renewed the covenant in the presence of the LORD–to follow the LORD and keep his commands, regulations and decrees with all his heart and all his soul, thus confirming the words of the covenant written in this book. Then all the people pledged themselves to the covenant.”

Then tonight was Saturate, a coming together of different District youth groups.

The candles we had set up had mostly melted away and all but a handful were left still flickering by the time my thoughts became very real. I was praying in the back and the vision of a candle was burned into my mind. God spoke to me from this vision and through the Word that has been swirling in my mind all day.

I prayed that God would not let me be like an ordinary candle. One prone to burning out and becoming extinguished. I don’t want to be a lone candle set on the ocean that will eventually be snuffed out by the tumult of waves and rampaging storms of life. I don’t want to be the candle that gets so used up in the process of being on fire (even on fire for Christ) that all that remains after a little while is just a pile of molten wax on the floor. I want to keep on burning. TO burn without the fear of being burnt up.

See, all these scriptures and metaphores blended into one giant thing for me that opened my heart and laid it bare before God. I don’t want to be afraid of being burnt up. I need the courage and faith to step out of the boat even if it means standing amidst the storm. I want to be full of the Holy Spirit so that my fire for God will not end up a pile of wax on the floor. It’s only through the Spirit of God that he provides abundant energy and drive to do His will. AND it’s through the rememberance of the covenant that exists between God and man, and not neglecting the Scriptures the will renew the promises and keep the fire fresh day after day, year after year.

I feel that the biggest thing Christians today face is not that they lack fire, but that they have too much fear. So many are on fire for God under their own power that they do experience the burn out. It’s not because they don’t love God, but it’s because they will use their own power to express this love without accepting the life-giving power of God’s Spirit. They try to worship God with their own voice, their own will, do things their own way… but they’re afraid of letting go of who they are to really experience God on HIS terms. I have been there, and still struggle with it.

There’s so many timid Christians who aren’t even lacking in the power of God, they simply lack courage. If they only knew the immense power they possess simply in the name of Jesus! How different the world would be if Christians BOLDLY stood up and decided to act for a change in this world, a change in their own lives. All the power in the universe living inside our hearts…. and it’s contained and prevented from action because of OUR fear…

As for me, fear has no more place in my life. I wouldn’t be here doing what I have been doing if I let fear be the dictator of my actions. I even got over the previous fear of praying for people at the altar. I don’t know if anyone actually received the Holy Spirit from me praying over them or not. But I do know that it’s not by my hand that the Holy Spirit comes. It only comes from the Father to the heart that is earnestly seeking and asking for it. All I do know is that God is alive and burning within my own heart to keep close to Him. Without fear of what lies ahead. Without fear of what storm or surging water God would have me stand under. Without fear of failure. I trust not in my own efforts but I come in the confidence that I have in the relationship with my Lord and Savior.

Have to reclaim my motto for the year:

BRING IT!

I have to be real with myself again (and I appreciate those of you who actually read these blogs when I ramble on about understanding

I love this song because of the devotional connotations in the words, “If I can’t have you, then I don’t want anyone!” Imagine the deep sense of commitment needed just to say those words outright. It’s you or nothing.

True devotion like this is a rarity nowadays in ANY relationship. Most of us employ the motto “If I can’t have you, well… then you’re still replaceable. There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” The “All or nothing” concept seems to be lost on this generation. It’s hidden under the label of “playing it safe/smart” but what it results in is just a lack of the ability to commit to anything 100%. No one goes for broke anymore except through the calamity that occurs from complete and utter indecision. Failure to commit!

Kelly’s song reminds me of the absolute commitment we’re supposed to have for God. If we can’t have Him, if we can’t be in relationship with Him, then what else is there? What else is worth it? What else would even dare to compare? Is God truly our heart’s SOLE desire? If it isn’t fulfilled, does that make everything else feel incredibly bland, shallow and meaningless? If not, then maybe the commitment isn’t as strong as it should be.

God’s command is to “Love the Lord, thy God, with all of your heart, with all of your soul, with all of your mind, and with all of your strength.” All =ALL! If everything you have is commited to God, then there’s no room or extra for anything, or anyone else. (Maybe this is one of the reasons behind Paul saying it’s better for one not to marry?) All I do know for sure is that my devotion to God needs to come first. If I can’t have God, if I can’t reach Him and serve Him, I’m not going to try the next religion in line. If I fail, then my heart is destitute and void because NOTHING else can fill that spot meant for God.

I feel that if people would take that opinion towards God, then greater discipleship would be accomplished. And if they would simply take this concept and apply it to how they think about their spouse! man! what a revolution that would be! Cheating doesn’t work when the person you marry is the only one you want. Many applications from these simple words unintended for spiritual and emotional edification.

“If I can’t have you, then I don’t want anyone.”

The first thing I’d want you to know is that I’ve waited for you for such an incredibly long time. I would apologize for the impatient and stupid decisions I’ve made in the past and how glad I am that you’re in my life now.

I would hope that God has instilled the same desire for adventure that He’s placed in my heart. A desire to take the whole world on no matter what happens. I hope we can laugh together through any hardship or disappointments. God has the greatest of companions reserved for me, and I will be faithful; more than anyone you’ve ever met before!

I would want you to know that I’ve been praying to God for you since I was very young, and a day rarely goes by when I don’t earnestly seek God’s direction in finding you. You are very special to me even though… I have no idea who you are yet. Even though I have never met you, heard your sweet name, gotten the chance to fall in love with you or even see your handsome face, there is a place prepared in the depth of my heart and soul for you and I love you.

I truly hope that our paths meet and that God is gracious enough to let me find you soon…

Burn within me, God! Purify my heart and soul! Put it through the crucible flame, cleanse my spirit and mind. Tear my soul from my flesh and bring me into your presence! Only when I can be wrapped in your arms can I find safety.

Who can stand in your presense? Who’s pride can remain unshaken when the Creator desires communion? I can do nothing more than tremble on my hands and knees when you come near, Father. Even the sound of your name gives my heart chills and I dare not disrespect Your Holy Name by speaking it out loud with such a deceitful and corrupt tongue. Much less does my heart deserve You or your Love.

My soul is filled with wretchedness and horrid, deplorably dispicable thoughts and desires. Take every aspect of my life that you don’t desire to be there and burn it! Destroy me until I am nothing but what you can use; make me pure enought to be allowed into your presence. Build me up, Father, let me stand on your Word.

You lift my head! You call to me and desire fellowship when all I am is dust! Who am I? What worth do I have for you to love me? to die for me? to usher me into your presence? I am so unworthy to be at your side, yet that is where you created me to be. In my very being and essence is the desire to be with You. Yet I know, as I am, I can never fully be in your presence. And I KNOW that I am not worthy to be near you, or even to utter the words of the idea of the concept of you. It would be better that I never knew Who You Are so then there would be no chance of me taking you for granted or in vain.

My life is pain, my heart aches to be with you. I will never be complete until I can see Your Face and touch the hand that formed me!

I long to see you

I want to find you

I will seek you

I will worship you

Take my life… take all of me!

Amen

Love Your Daughter, Brittany

Friday Dia 2 de Galapagos
Met at eight to head down to a boat which we went to a place to do some snorkeling. It was my first time and didn’t go super-de-duperdy well because of some large waves- so we abandoned ship (not literally) and headed to an island and check out some of the one of a kind marine Iguanas of the Galapagos. Afterwards we headed to another island with some sweet terrain- that reminded me of some kind of crazy stuff…I don’t know… There we went to a super-beautiful body of water wedged in between a narrow canyon-type formation with two high cliffs. There we snorkeled in crystal-clear water and did some rock jumping (which was a lot of fun.) But then I found out that you could jump off there very top (about 45-50 feet) and then that was a ton of fun.
We then ate lunch and headed along a very long boardwalk to the beach  on the island which was absolutely beautiful. We swam on one side that was super-tranquil, and then went over to the other side that had some really big waves that were a lot of fun to play in. We then headed to dinner.

Saturday Dia 3 de Galapagos
We left at 3 o’clock in the morning in a boat to head to one of the islands called bartolamene. We arrived and hiked up the mountain/volcano/island to see, what is supposedly the second-most spectacular view of the world (first supposedly being in New Zealand–although I think I’ll just say this was the first most spectacular). I’ll post some of the pictures I took, but just know in advance that they will come nowhere close at all to capturing what was there. After this we headed to the beach that could be seen from the volcano and did some fantastic snorkeling in the beautifully blue water. We then headed to the boat to eat lunch and return the 4 hour trip on to our hotel.

Sunday Dia 4 de Galapagos
We rode about an hour and a half on a boat (which was a lot of fun soaking  up the sun) to another island where we were able to snorkel the whole morning. We got to see a beach with a lot of sea lions and got to snorkel and pray with some of the young sea lions. We then got back on the boat to head back to our island, and the long boat ride was a ton of fun riding in front of the boat with the waves, soaking up the sun, and singing worship songs to the guitar our guide was playing. We got back and did a bunch of souvenir shopping since it was our last night. Then we went out to eat for the last time for dinner where I ate some of a salmon crepe and lobster. All of the meat is grown on the island and is delicious. Afterwards there was a small party type of thing with our guide and we went to bed for the last time in the Galapagos. Well I went to bed at three in the morning after talking and gazing at the beautiful, prevalent stars, while talking to friends and talking to God.
Overall, in the Galapagos, it was a great time spiritually for rest and worship. There was a pool on the roof of our hotel that was open to the sky where we went up and swim some nights under the stars or as the sun was setting (or sing worship songs under the stars one night until we fell asleep, or just lay gazing), and it really gave me a lot of time of what to think about my life and where I was at in my relationship with God, and while realizing what was important in life, how I wanted to live my life on this earth for God.
It also was an amazing, amazing time to view God’s creation, and the vast diversity that exists and praising God for His creativity. It truly was an amazing opportunity, and I thank the Lord for the chance to have gone, the work He did in my life, and the good work He continues to do, “carrying me on to completion.”
Also, I was really thankful for some of the relationships I was able to develop with the other students on the group. It was a ton of fun enjoying God’s creation with all of them, and also I was able to have some really good conversations with them and begin to build good relationships with the other students, because I felt that really I had not had real close relationships with anyone on the trip, but now with at least a couple of the people on the trip I feel like I have begun solid relationships, of which I am very thankful.

Now we’re back here to normal life and have only 5 weeks left in this semester, which is extremely hard to believe. However, I will still have two weeks here by myself after I finish the semester, and I am not sure exactly what I will do with those, but I know God has a plan, because I was convinced of that when I booked my plane tickets; I just have yet to discover what that is. So, I guess that is a prayer request, and that I would be able to prioritize and finish strong with all of the things I might have left that I want to do, amidst all of the school projects running at us. I also hope to continue building these relationships with the other Taylor students here that I will be able to take back to campus, as well as with some of the Ecuadorians that I likely may never see again.
I thank God for you everytime I think of you….Thanks so much for all of your thoughts and prayers–Cade